I Need You
by Kitian
Summary: What we want isn't always what we need. One-shot angst.


" Y o u ' r e t h e b e s t l o o k i n g g u y h e r e . "  
  
  
  
  
  
" D a n c e w i t h m e ? "   
  
  
  
  
  
" L o o k i n t o m y e y e s . . . "   
  
  
  
  
  
Rinoa Heartilly. The daughter of a general, born full of pride and spirit, optimism oozing from every pore. Armed with smooth, pale skin like dazzling china and moist mahogany eyes, you have the ability to draw others in and lock them in a spell.   
  
  
  
You are the desire of every man and the envy of every woman.  
  
  
  
And I, Squall Leonhart, have the honor of being the one wrapped up in your gentle embrace, feeling your warm breath as you speak loving phrases into my ear, seeing you smile contentedly at me in the darkest hours of the night from underneath sheets rumpled and worn from our lovemaking.   
  
  
  
You whisper that you love me, and I smile back. You take my smile as substitute for the words and snuggle closer, ignoring the silence that weighs heavily on my heart and should weigh heavily on yours. Too bad you never notice how quickly the smile dies away on my lips. Too bad the silence never hurts you the way it does me.  
  
  
  
  
  
Too bad....  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Too bad I don't love you.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
For a while, I thought I did. Like I said, there isn't a person who doesn't fall victim to your captivating charm, and I was no exception.   
  
  
  
  
  
" Y o u ' r e t h e b e s t l o o k i n g g u y h e r e . "   
  
  
  
  
  
I saw you there, across the room, hand tracing the brilliant stars that littered the night sky. Light skin, light dress. You smiled at me. Your eyes were dark and soft. How could I resist? No one has ever smiled at me before, not like that, not without wanting something in return.  
  
  
  
  
  
" I ' m l o o k i n g f o r s o m e o n e . I c a n ' t b e o n t h e d a n c e f l o o r a l o n e . "  
  
  
  
  
  
You came over and spoke to me, words gentle and sweet, flowing over my ears like fine satin. I'm not sure I even remember what you said; all I remember is the way you looked at me, how delicate and warm your hand felt when you pressed it to mine, pulling me away from the wall, towards the glaring lights and sparkling floor.  
  
  
  
  
  
" L o o k i n t o m y e y e s . . . . "  
  
  
  
  
  
I got swept away in the moment. The sheer momentum of your actions took my breath away and I forgot how to move, my limbs clumsy and defiant to every command I tried to give them. I stumbled, almost falling, my movements awkward beneath those blinding white lights and across that polished marble.   
  
  
  
Ready to give up, I tried to pull away, draw back to my shadowy corner where there weren't a million eyes on me and the colorful flock of dancers couldn't dizzy me with their sashaying circles. Until you smiled again, more genuine than the last time, and I indulged in the sensation.   
  
  
  
  
  
Someone.....won't let me be lonely.....smiles just for me, wants nothing in return.....  
  
  
  
  
  
( w a r m )  
  
  
  
  
  
......you smile at me, and.....  
  
  
  
  
  
.....I won't be lonely anymore.   
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
And I danced with ease.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
I thought it was fate. We were meant to meet that night. Shooting stars are signs of destiny, aren't they? At least, that's what I thought.  
  
  
  
  
  
But now I know why I chose you.  
  
  
  
  
  
" L e t m e g u e s s . . . . "  
  
  
  
  
  
I was tired. Tired of being alone. Tired of shutting out the world. You smiled at me that night, in a way no one ever had, and it bewitched me.   
  
  
  
Who knows? If it hadn't been you that night, it might have been another girl the next. Red hair, blonde hair, green eyes, dark skin, blue eyes, glasses. Doesn't matter. Anyone who looked like they wouldn't abandon me when dawn's pale rays broke into a sweat soaked bedroom probably would have done. Someone who wouldn't leave me, someone who would stay. Even if only for a little while. I just didn't want to be alone anymore.  
  
  
  
  
  
" . . . . y o u ' l l o n l y d a n c e w i t h s o m e o n e y o u l i k e . "  
  
  
  
  
  
I don't think I knew that's what I wanted when I saw you. I certainly wasn't thinking it. But it's why I chose you.  
  
  
  
  
  
" I d o n ' t w a n t t h e f u t u r e . I w a n t t h e p r e s e n t t o s t a n d s t i l l . I j u s t w a n t t o s t a y h e r e w i t h y o u , S q u a l l . . . "  
  
  
  
  
  
And I was right, wasn't I? You won't ever leave me. Nice girl, pretty girl, pure with good intentions. Trust my instincts to get it right. For once in my life, I'm correct about something. Too bad it's never felt more wrong.  
  
  
  
Rather ironic, isn't it, that the one person I pull closest to me is the one who I find myself despising more and more each day.  
  
  
  
  
  
"GOD!!!!!! Rinoa is gonna die! ...I can't take it. Ellone, please. I've never felt this way in my life."   
  
  
  
  
  
"Take me to Rinoa...to her past."   
  
  
  
  
  
(Rinoa, I'm right here with you! Listen to me!)  
  
  
  
  
  
"I'm gonna go find Rinoa."   
  
  
  
  
  
"Rinoa, hold on..."  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Oh, the irony.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
I wouldn't say that it's you I hate, Rinoa, not really. Rather, I hate myself. I'm the pathetic one. I'm desperate for someone, anyone to care at all, too hurt and too lonely to let go. And that makes me hate you for being the one I cling to, the only person who won't run away. You force me to depend on someone, force me to depend on you.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
" Y o u ' r e - g o i n g - t o - l i k e - m e . . . Y o u ' r e - g o i n g - t o - l i k e - m e . . . "  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Everyone else runs away. I'm destined to be abandoned, left behind in the cold; rejected, scared, painfully alone. Only the pounding rain in my ears to keep me company. Ma left me, Sis left me, and even....even he left me. I never thought I'd miss him, but I do. Every damned day.  
  
  
  
  
  
" R i g h t n o w . . . . I w a n n a s t a y r i g h t h e r e . . . l i k e t h i s . "   
  
  
  
  
  
It seems every time I open up, let someone in to see who I really am, they leave me. So I stopped bothering a long time ago. Shut out the world and they can't get you; reject them first and you won't be rejected.   
  
  
  
Shrouding myself beneath shoulder shrugs and casual 'whatever's, I ignored the warm slivers of pain that leaked from others as they tried to reach me, slivers that slid like liquid off the rock hard wall I'd sealed around myself. I didn't want to hurt again.  
  
  
  
  
  
you really are an excellent student. even that dance was perfect.  
  
  
  
  
  
so you'll dance with someone you don't even know, but you can't stand being around me?  
  
  
  
  
  
is that all you're going to say?   
  
  
  
  
  
they told me that i failed as an instructor.   
  
  
  
  
  
basically, that i lacked leadership qualities.   
  
  
  
  
  
i wonder where i went wrong...   
  
  
  
i did my best...  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
are you listening?  
  
  
  
  
  
i'm not asking you to say anything.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
i just want you to listen.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
aren't there times when you want to share your feelings with someone?  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
no leadership qualities...   
  
  
  
failed instructor...  
  
  
  
  
  
perhaps they're right...  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
"Go talk to a wall."  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
But as much as I hate to admit it, I don't want to be lonely either. I'm human too, aren't I?  
  
  
  
  
  
At least I hope I am.  
  
  
  
  
  
So I tried it your way. I laugh, I smile, I talk, I wave; to strangers on the street, to acquaintances of old, to companions through thick and thin. Shouldn't matter who, just be friendly, be pleasant, be open, be nice nice nice. Isn't that what everyone wants?  
  
  
  
  
  
It must be, because it's working. You haven't left me yet.  
  
  
  
  
  
Kinda pathetic, when you think about it. I mean, I must be the only person I know who pushes away those I love and desperately tries to hold on to those who make me hate them.  
  
  
  
  
  
Messed up, isn't it?  
  
  
  
  
  
Of course, I could never tell you that. Not in a million years. You would leave me without so much as a backward glance if you knew.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
" I ' l l b e h e r e . . . "  
  
  
  
  
  
" I ' l l b e ' w a i t i n g ' . . . . h e r e . . . . "   
  
  
  
  
  
" I ' l l b e w a i t i n g . . . . . f o r y o u . . . s o . . . . . "  
  
  
  
  
  
" I f y o u c o m e h e r e . . . Y o u ' l l f i n d m e . "  
  
  
  
  
  
" I p r o m i s e . "  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Words. Just words. If you only knew.....  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
So instead I keep it all bottled inside of me. I tenderly stroke your hair, murmur lovely, meaningless words into eager ears. You yearn affection from me, so I quench the hunger in your eyes and lips as I run my hands over hot, anxious skin and press you against me in an embrace so tight it could only be filled with desperation.  
  
  
  
What I don't understand is, how can you not see it? You tell me I'm warm and loving and happy, you're so glad that I've finally opened up. When you say that, I wonder which of us has gone blind. How can you feel heat when all I am is cold and empty?  
  
  
  
Even worse than the fact you don't understand me is the fact that you try, and fail. Miserably.  
  
  
  
You try to change me, mold me into a person you can better understand so I'll be happy, stop shutting myself away from the world. You think it's working, but really....  
  
  
  
  
  
You're killing me.  
  
  
  
  
  
I try; really, I do. I act out everything you ask of me, smiling when you want me to, kissing you when it's expected, laughing and dancing on cue like a marionette doll on strings.   
  
  
  
At first I did it because I honestly believed that you could help me, that somehow you were special and breaking through my shell, discovering a part of me I never knew existed.   
  
  
  
  
  
Now I do it simply because I need you to stay.   
  
  
  
  
  
That's it Squall, keep showing small signs of 'improvement' that make everyone clap and smile and feed me a treat for being a good little boy and Rinoa won't be another blurry face in the rain that disappears like a distant memory into the black fog of night.  
  
  
  
  
  
It keeps me from losing you, the only support I've come to own in my life.  
  
  
  
  
  
But it's just not me.  
  
  
  
  
  
Every touch, every smile, every laugh, it's stretching me thin and I can feel it wearing me away.  
  
  
  
  
  
I don't know how much more I can take.  
  
  
  
  
  
So it's either die of loneliness or die of being someone I'm not.  
  
  
  
  
  
All of life is give and take, I guess.  
  
  
  
  
  
" S q u a l l . . . . "  
  
  
  
  
  
I guess it wouldn't be so bad if I didn't know what it actually was to be human, to feel passion and loss and hatred and emotion that knows no bounds. I wish I had never known because it'd be so much easier to play pretend.  
  
  
  
  
  
But I do, and the memory hurts me everyday, like a scar that never fades away.  
  
  
  
  
  
" S q u a l l . . . . I ' l l b e w a i t i n g . . . . f o r y o u . . . . "  
  
  
  
  
  
There was one, one who could push my buttons the way no one else could. He compelled me to feel, helped me to reach a sense of self that I've never been able to find again.   
  
  
  
  
  
His name was Seifer Almasy.  
  
  
  
  
  
He made me feel alive by hating me, by always trying to get the better of me and be the one to stand victorious on the battlefield. In many ways we mirrored each other, like opposite sides of a coin. I was the white knight, and he the black.  
  
  
  
  
  
"I. h.a.t.e. y.o.u."  
  
  
  
  
  
Fighting against one another gave me a sense of identity, allowed me to know who I was and what I was fighting for. Without him, I don't really know who I am.  
  
  
  
  
  
Can you tell me who I am?  
  
  
  
  
  
I didn't think so.  
  
  
  
  
  
Through the bitter, heated rivalry we shared, he was constantly pushing me forward, flooding me with his determination, his courage, his haughtiness, his fire. Always one step ahead of me or one step behind. Challenging me, goading me on with bold, scornful words past every boundary I didn't even realize I possessed.   
  
  
  
  
  
S.h.o.w. m.e. w.h.a.t. y.o.u. g.o.t.  
  
  
  
  
  
I. c.a.n.'t. b.e. b.e.a.t.e.n.  
  
  
  
  
  
I.'l.l. s.h.o.w. y.o.u. w.h.o.'s. t.h.e. b.e.t.t.e.r. m.a.n!  
  
  
  
  
  
I.s. t.h.a.t. a.l.l. y.o.u. g.o.t!?  
  
  
  
  
  
Y.o.u.'l.l. n.e.v.e.r...g.e.t. p.a.s.t. m.e.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
I. c.a.n.'t. a.f.f.o.r.d. t.o. l.o.s.e.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
He shoved his fury and his arrogance down my throat and I was forced to acknowledge him, forced to swell with the desire to prove him wrong, to let him know I was not the things he said I was, to make him see I was just as much a man as he. He was everywhere I looked. Every day provided a new opportunity to show him up; the rest of my worries seemed to melt away in the struggle to excel at something he could not. No one else has ever given me that type of resolve.  
  
  
  
  
  
"I. h.a.t.e. e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g. a.b.o.u.t. y.o.u."  
  
  
  
  
  
Seifer's romantic dream was to serve Ultimecia, to become her devoted knight. Mine? To become yours, Rinoa. But only after I wrecked his fantasy could I absorb such aspirations, such illusions of grandeur. To him they had meaning, but for me they hold nothing. I'm an empty imitation of him, a shell and nothing more without him here to spur me on.   
  
  
  
  
  
"I. b.e.t. y.o.u.'l.l. d.o. a.n.y.t.h.i.n.g. t.h.e.y. t.e.l.l. y.o.u. t.o., w.o.n.'t. y.o.u? G.u.e.s.s. t.h.a.t.'s. h.o.w. y.o.u. g.o.t. b.e. C.o.m.m.a.n.d.e.r., p.l.a.y.i.n.g. b.y. t.h.e.i.r. r.u.l.e.s. P.u.b.e.r.t.y.-b.o.y."  
  
  
  
  
  
He gave me purpose. He gave me a reason to try, to exist, simply to wake up every morning and BE, even if it was just to try and prove him wrong. Because of him, I was able to feel angry and sad and bitter and hateful and everything I can't feel now.  
  
  
  
  
  
"Y.o.u. m.a.k.e. m.e. s.i.c.k."  
  
  
  
  
  
He brought out the best in me, and also brought out the worst.  
  
  
  
  
  
He gave me a taste of what it was like to be myself, and when he left, I felt empty again. Emptier than I'd felt before.  
  
  
  
  
  
For that I will never forgive him.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
I also don't think I can ever forget him.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
"I......h.a.t.e.....y.o.u....."  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
But he's gone now.  
  
  
  
When he was sent away to prison, I was afraid I'd lost a part of me, the part that could feel and fight and struggle.   
  
  
  
When you came, Rinoa, and wrapped your slender arms around me, I wondered if I could find that piece of me again, that just by being with you I could become a breathing, feeling, passionate person like I was around him.  
  
  
  
Then when you gazed up at me with large, brown, innocent doe eyes as we basked in the afterglow and I realized I felt nothing, n o t h i n g, I wondered if maybe I was wrong, maybe you couldn't help me.   
  
  
  
  
  
Yet I still clung to hope. Maybe with time you could grow to be the one I needed....  
  
  
  
  
  
Until I'd heard news he had died, far off in some cold, dark cell, wasting away until he didn't even know his own name and I knew with certainty that that part of me had died with him.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
I was never going to get it back.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
He may have hated me with all his heart, but at least he was always there.  
  
  
  
  
  
The one I admired most, my mirror image, my archenemy, my other half.....was gone forever. Couldn't even remember his own name, they tell me.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
How am I supposed to remember who I am?  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
.....what if there's nothing to remember? What then?  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
" Y o u ' r e t h e b e s t l o o k i n g g u y h e r e . D a n c e w i t h m e ? "  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
I guess you're here for me too, Rinoa. Maybe not in the way he was or in the way I want you to be, but you're here and I know you'll never leave me. At least, that's what I hope.   
  
  
  
Just to make sure, though, I continue to whisper sweet, sweet words to you as I envelop you with my arms, letting you believe that you're healing me, bringing out the good and the honest and the pure, when what you're really doing is smothering me.  
  
  
  
Empty words, cold embraces, lifeless kisses. Smile smile smile never let them know what's going on inside. I just have to make sure that you're not one more name I have to add to the list of people who have left me behind, not when one more could be the one to break me.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
I may not love you, but God knows I need you.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Author's notes: Being Squall Leonhart just requires excessive amounts of angst, doesn't it? Poor thing. Feel free to review/criticize/flame, whatever. This fic has been sitting untouched on my computer for a long, long time now; I just decided to post it because…well, honestly, I only just remembered it was there. Go me. Oh yeah, and that bit about Squall and Seifer's relationship was not meant to be taken as yaoi. ....although if you'd like to take it that way, I won't stop you. Just remember to Squeifer responsibly.  
  
  
  
PS Sorry for the really crappy format. For some reason, none of my programs allow me to use the .html format that enable italics, bold, etc., so I've had to resort to using other (unusual) formats to show when different characters are talking. It's hard to read, I know, but it's all I could think of! Sorry again. 


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